Catch a Tigger by the Toe

Ahoy all!

I have a surprise for you!

Please find your way to www.iwantthebestjobintheworld.ca

Wishing you all a fabulous day!

Cheerio, Marcella

Stupid Like A Fox

Ahoy all!

Well it is snowing in Vancouver this morning and I am right annoyed! I should have known that a foggy city wouldn't last. Now all those people with their happy face rubber boots will come crawling out of their basement suites, and rub it in my face that I don't have rubber boots. Well, don't call me stupid, but I have the solution in keeping my feet warm too! The solution is easy - socks! Any true west-coast-granola-bar will just pull on a pair of socks. It gets even easier to get around when you have sandals. No need to tie shoes like an adult...just velcro the straps over your socks and you're king of the world!

When I win "The Best Job in the World," I already know what I am going to buy - socks and underwear. I'll wear my new socks on the beach while counting sea shells, and the underwear...ahhh forget about it! I'll just save the money and go commando.

Monkey Business

Ahoy all!

Good day! Here I am back at it again with a knee twitch that is getting worse, and a knuckle I burnt in the toaster oven. I might be a little loopy in getting my toast done just so, but there are some things that I do take more seriously - like, like animals. I'm not a vet or anything and no one calls me Madame Goodall, but I do stop to watch the skunks cross the street in my neighbourhood. I have also been keen on going to Rwanda to hunt gorillas. Not with guns or anything, just a camera and a small child dipped in honey.

When I win "The Best Job in the World," I will be around tons and tons of animals. Speaking of tons, I bet there will even be a hairy gorilla or two in a Speedo. Lets get back to being serious...are fish animals? Is everything that is alive an animal? Plants are alive! Vegetarians hunt plants. Does that mean that vegetarians are animals? Maybe I should take a few philosophy classes and solve the conundrum of the century: do gorillas eat vegetarian animals?

Eager Beaver

Ahoy all!

I don’t know about all this blogging business! I have a very unpredictable eye twitch and it has already started spreading down into my right knee. I better tone it down a notch before I become a complete Schizophrenic without my meds. So in toning it down, I have decided to interview two very important figures from Canada and Australia - Beaver and Kangaroo. A little culture puh-leeez!

Marcella: So, which one of you is more important?
Beaver: My picture is on a 5 cent coin and I am on the Hudson’s Bay Company coat of arms. It even says Pro Pelle Cutem which means a skin for a skin!
Kangaroo: Definitely me! My picture is on a dollar coin and they produced a TV series about me called Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

Marcella: Do you guys like sports?
Beaver: Yeah. I am the mascot for the Oregon State Beaver football team.
Kangaroo: Yes. I represent the Australian Rugby League, and we are still ranked #1 in the RLIF! Wallee Mullalra Choomooroo Tingal Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah!

Marcella: OK, we are really getting somewhere here…has anyone written a song about you?
Beaver: Of course. It is called The Beaver Song - hugely popular with Girl Scouts.
Kangaroo: Yes, too many to count - the most famous being Tie Me Kangaroo Down.

Marcella: Right, so…who do you hang with?
Beaver: My entire colony.
Kangaroo: The Mob.

Marcella: Really? Anyone ever try to kill you?
Beaver: All the time! They are still looking to kill me in Argentina – and don’t even get me started about the Germans.
Kangaroo: Yes, but not easily. I am a hell of a boxer. However, I do get ran over now and again.

Marcella: Anything you want to mention to an enemy that might be reading this?
Beaver: Yeah, to all you spineless wolves out there…I’m going to drown your asses!
Kangaroo: That’s nothing Beav. Any dirty dingoes out there – I’m going to disembowel your asses!

Marcella: Whooooaaa! This is getting a little out of control now. Any weaknesses you might like to share?
Beaver: Yes Oprah, I am a slow walker.
Kangaroo: And I am slowly going blind.

Marcella: Do you have any fun facts or figures that people would want to know about you?
Beaver: Sure. Apparently my testicles make a great pain reliever.
Kangaroo: I’ve got you beat again, Beav. My scrotum can be made into soccer balls!

Marcella: Wow! Those are probably some things that you shouldn’t have told me! But I would like to thank you for your time. I know you both hate staying awake during the day. One last question: any kids?
Beaver: Kit.
Kangaroo: Joey.

What To Do

Ahoy all!

Today is another day, and like everyday you need to get things done otherwise you can't call it a day. Saturdays are usually up-at-dawn days; doing laundry and cleaning out the cat litter. A cup of coffee goes a long way on my Saturdays, and I have already had a couple shots in between watering the plants and taking a bathroom break. Today is also the day that I need to get more impressive things done; like buying food. I generally have a long laundry list of food stuff that I need for the week ahead. It gets pretty demanding getting everything done, so when I win "The Best Job in the World," I am certain that the Hamilton Islanders will build me a corner store in honor of my demands.

The not-for-laundry laundry list:

1. Coffee
2. Buffalo Wings
3. Hot Dogs
4. Twinkies
5. Broccoli
6. Cucumber
7. Fish
8. Peanut Butter
9. Beer
10. Cookies

Oh what a day, what a day! Enjoy your Saturday!

Canadian Back Bacon

Ahoy all!

I just realized, when I win "The Best Job in the World," I can't show up to Australia looking pale and ghastly - I have to represent my nation and get me a tan-tastic tan! We all know that we get further in life with a positive attitude and a healthy glow. So even though it's winter in Vancouver, I just have to get a little experimental in getting that perfect year round brown.

How to make your skin look less naked:

1. Tan
2. Tan some more
3. Make-up
4. Bacon
5. Tan again

To prove that I am the most committed candidate for the job, my top priority is to get a killer sunburn and turn into a tan-a-holic legend.

I Blog Therefore I Am

Ahoy all!

“Hi, my name is Marcella and I have an addiction. I am a blogger and I am an addict – I have been addicted for 10 days.” As you can see, I am a total wreck who needs professional help and a 12 step program. Apparently, the first step in recovering from any addiction is admitting that you feel powerless, or is it feeling guilty? – No mind. I have decided to take the bull by the horns, and join a session or two of B.A.F.F.L.E. in hopes of having a spiritual awakening. With a little help from group therapy I am sure to win a couple of B.A.F.F.L.E. chips, and still make the grade for “The Best Job in the World!”

Valuable lessons learned at B.A.F.F.L.E:

1. Make important decisions
2. Exercise patience
3. Renew your faith
4. Control your emotions
5. Understand real life

It’s hopeless folks! I accidentally sat in on a session of N.U.B.B.S. resulting in relapse right back into my secret sin. Here’s hoping for the best!!!

* B.A.F.F.L.E. (Bloggers Are Fidgety Folk Losing Eyesight)
* N.U.B.B.S. (Never Underestimate Blabbing Blog Stars)

Making Sport

Ahoy all!

I've been very diligent this year in not keeping my New Year's resolutions. The classic resolution every year is to hit the gym and turn a little jelly into solid rock. If I get "The Best Job in the World," I am pretty sure that the Australians will video tape me by accident - and if I am not prepared physically, I could end up on the cover of a nasty news rag. The problem with the gym is that it's a sweaty place where people exercise - and people blow dry their hair in the nude...and I don't mean the hair on top of your head! I have tried all the trendy options, and I need some serious results!

So today, instead of eating another piece of pie a la mode, I am heading out in search of the best new ways to "Push harder! Go past the max! Reach over the top! Master your ass!"

New ways to master your ass:

1. Wrestle
2. Figure skate
3. Pole dance
4. Wrangle cats
5. Ping-pong

No luck! I did not make it out today! I think I will always just stay home and think about working out.

Bush-wacking!

Ahoy all!

When I win "The Best Job in the World," I'm pretty sure that some high-profile type people are going to want to know how I managed to get the world's best job. Now that he has moved out of the White House, I am pretty sure that George W. Bush will come knockin' looking for some solid career advice.

No need for a sit down Prezzy Bush, my advice to you is this: don't go back to the grind right away! After eight years of a job well done, take up a hobby and relax!

New hobbies for Prezzy Bush:

1. Tag the White House
2. Feed the birds
3. Jump through hoops
4. Learn to read and writing
5. Hunt

Best of luck to you Georgie - looking for a new job sucks!

Ink that Stinks

Ahoy all!

When I win "The Best Job in the World" I will have a lot of money laying around. We all know when there is a lot of money laying around people start to get clever. There is nothing more clever than spending all your money on a cool tattoo! I have been truly inspired by some clever types - and I too, will get the awesomest tattoo ever!

1. I always like to start out an evening with a great meal...

2. ...and listen to some awesome riffs...

3. ...with my boyfriend...

4. ...and his best friends.

5. When its time to party...

6. ...we call up our celeb connection...

7. ...to hook us up.

8. We chill, sit back and relax...

9. ...and everything is just so "Crazy Beatifull!"

10. I am feeling very confident and "awsome"...

11. ...and then one thing leads to another...

12. ...and I think I have died and gone to heaven!

13. It's too bad this relationship won't amount to much.

14. I just hope that I won't be judged too harshly!

The Best Person for the Job

Ahoy all!

As I watch the contenders’ videos on “The Best Job in the World” website, I am realizing more and more that there are some real God-like creatures out there! Pride aside, I will honour my biggest challenger; beautiful Madge Titwad. By acknowledging her superior strengths and achievements, I can only learn how to become a better person myself.

Madge Titwad revealed:

1. Brain – A fish brain is a slow talking type person - thank God that David Attenborough isn’t one of those people! Long live nature!

2. Face – Saving face while saving fish is a very important responsibility. Just think how many times Jacques Cousteau must have had to be responsible for his face while being the most famous diver ever!

3. Hair – You can’t make it big without big hair – just ask Oprah! With her big hair and big personality she can talk to anyone. She told me, that on her resumé, she writes that she has good interpersonal skills.

4. Mouth – Sometimes a good sense of humour can get you punched right in the kisser! Especially when you say things like "Sarah Palin is way cooler than Tina Fey."

5. Abs – Crocodile Dundee didn’t wake up just to watch TV and eat pizza pops! As we all know, he was incredibly diligent about polishing his knife and surviving the Australian outback, and loose women.

6. Sweat – Nothing will get you further than sweat and tears! You will shed tears of joy when you are splashed with Steve Ballmer’s passionate expressions of enthusiasm; his billion dollar pit sweat – it’ll make you a billionaire!

7. Camera – A great picture is worth a thousand words – so why say anything else!

8. Earth – Nothing beats it! Well…what we don’t know can’t hurt us. But thanks to Ian Wright, the best traveller guy on earth, we know a hell of a lot more about some things we shouldn’t have known in the first place.

9. Pen – To write important stuff down – like don’t forget to feed the fish! Without an expensive Caran D’Ache from the Masion de Haute Ecriture nothing is possible.

10. Underpants – Without ‘em things start to get a little moist. Wonder Woman was always up for a challenge but could always keep her panties on – if only some of us could remember that!

11. Legs – Even if you only have one, you can still run across a country! Go Terry!

12. Dog – Man’s best friend and loyal companion. BFF - up until your “dingo ate my baby!”

Well I suppose it will be a tight race for the win, Madge, but as your biggest fan, I wish you the best of luck! God speed!

Shark Attack!

Ahoy all!

When I win "The Best Job in the World," I will undoubtedly turn into a soft spoken islander who wakes up early and goes for a dip before a hearty breakfast. As we all know, I am a smart person that would never swim after eating - I might get indigestion and then swimmers cramp and then sink like a rock!

As you can tell I am a very cautious person, and there is still something that concerns me about swimming in warm ocean water - sharks (a.k.a. SHARK!).

Why is it that whenever you see a news article after a shark attack there is always a girls leg found in the sand? And why does the girls foot always have a toe ring? If I was a shark I would say to myself, "Jeez, I wish I was a dog, so I could bury this bloody leg in the backyard!"


To get over my shark complex I watched the movie trailer for SHARK WATER, and I now know that there are 10 things way tougher than a shark!

10 things way tougher than a shark:

1. Zombies
2. Dolphins
3. The Fonz
4. Helicopters
5. Surfers
6. Octopuses
7. Air
8. Celebrities
9. Mee Shee
10. Female Sharks

After all the research on sharks, I feel completely safe to swim in the ocean. I am however still very nervous when a lifeguard at the pool yells, "SHARK!"

My Incredible Island Mix Tape

Ahoy all!

After I wizz my pants when I find out I have won "The Best Job in the World," I will have to pull myself together and make an island mix tape. There is always the possibility that I will never be rescued from my Hamilton Island responsibilities, so the music I bring better be good!

I know at first I will be very obnoxious about my luck and money, and say things like "baby I got your money" and "gimme what I'm owed!"

I know it is bad form to "chase money" and it just makes me look like a greedy "golddigger," but I will eventually feel a little generous and show off my "money" at the local pub. I buy "one bourbon, one scotch, one beer" for myself and a round of ice water for my friends.

I start bragging about how I am going to the "land down under" and will definitely survive a "hurricane" on "Cantaloupe Island," or was it "Coney Island?"

Everything turns into a "purple haze" and all I can say is "toop toop" and "det snurrar i min skalle." My friends take that as a hint and carry my lucky ass home saying over and over "oye lucky lucky oye!"

I wake up in the morning with a killer headache and "bud the spud" written on my forehead.

Language Barriers in the Great Barrier Reef

Ahoy all!

I just realized that when I win the "Best Job in the World," I will need to communicate with the Australians! Apparently their dialect (lingo or strine in Australian) is very hard to understand, so I am going to create an easy translation guide in preparation for any misunderstandings or confusion I might have along the way.

Canadian: Good morning!
Australian: G'day mate.

Canadian: Who are you?
Australian: I'm no ring in. I'm the ridgie didge, mate. A true blue happy Vegemite.

Canadian: Is that a WATER SNAKE?
Australian: Stop worrying, nobody gets out of this world alive. (Clive James)

Canadian: That snake looks pissed off!
Australian: This is no enemy. It's almost family. (Aunty Entity from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome)

Canadian: Lets trap him with my hat?
Australian: If you know you are going to fail, then fail gloriously. (Cate Blanchett)

Canadian: What is that supposed to mean?
Australian: Those who lose dreaming are lost. (Australian aboriginal proverb)

Canadian: Where are we?
Australian: God bless America, God save the Queen, God defend New Zealand and thank Christ for Australia. (Russell Crowe)

Canadian: You are making me nervous!
Australian: Just a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock.

Canadian: What's that smell?
Australian: A bit more choke and I would have started!

Canadian: I really have to go to the bathroom!
Australian: By jingoes there isn't a dunny out here! A bad case of the trots?

Canadian: My butt has been attacked by mosquitoes!!!
Australian: No need to get shirty. Mozzies just mucking around.

Canadian: Are you drunk?
Australian: Plonked? Cods wallop!

Canadian: We have really gotten ourselves into a mess here!
Australian: Too right. A dog's breakfast!

Canadian: See you later! I will just make my way back alone.
Australian: Hooroo! Onya...Waltzing Matilda!

So as you can all see I haven't made much progress deciphering Australian slang and am still in the dark (stunned mullet or up a gum tree in Australian). This looks to be a major challenge ahead!

Top 10 Things Needed for Hamilton Island

Ahoy all!

Today I figure I will make a list on what to bring to Hamilton Island - I have to be killer prepared in case I get "The Best Job in the World."

Top 10 Things Needed for Hamilton Island:

1. Flips flops
2. Salt - A World History. A New York Times Bestseller by Mark Kurlansky
3. A deck of cards
4. Binoculars
5. A bottle of The Original Sailor Jerry Spiced Navy Rum - 92 Proof

* So far I am on the beach in the nude except for flip flops reading Salt. Decidedly I want to quench my thirst with the rum...things turn a little hairy here...I need to send out a message in a bottle but without a pen I have to create Origami genius and fold up a card into an elephant. I don't know what the message means but it is an elephant message and it is in the bottle. With the binoculars I suss out the sea - nothing but blue. I look down the beach and see...

6. Bikini

* ...that girl STOLE my bikini!!!!!

7. Camera - not just any camera but the Canon EOS5D Mark II
8. Lottery tickets
9. Sarong
10. Sunglasses

* About those lottery tickets...I got lucky getting here and I just can't take the chance to lose millions!

"I want the Best Job in the World!"

Ahoy all!

I received a surprising email today and in the subject heading it read, "this one is for you." I have to mention that the person who sent me the email is rather a slithery fish - who knows what I was about to read. Hats off to my good friend James who nailed it on the fish head. "The Best Job in the World."

I went to the Tourism Queensland website to get more information on the job description. If any of you are still in the dark about the hype - within 2 days 800,000 people went to the site for information about the Paradise Caretaker on Hamilton Island in the Great Barrier Reef! The Tourism Queensland website had approximately 40 hits per second today and the servers...surprise surprise, crashed.

What a Caretaker of Paradise would be responsible for:

1. Feeding the fish in the Great Barrier Reef and bashing around the bushes looking for water snakes
2. Snorkeling and splashing around while feeding the fish
3. Taking photos while exploring - EASY!
4. Making cool videos while splish-splashing with the fish and drinking a coconut shake
5. Blogging weekly - For blogs-sake!
6. Flying around with the postal service to get a birds eye view of the fish
7. Meeting the locals - FUN!
8. Meeting with media moguls - "Why yes Mr. President" and "Here, here!"
9. Helping handle billions of applications for season #2 "The Best Job in the World."
10. Learning to cope with stress ( I just needed a #10...what stress?)

Hellooooo! Yes, living on the beach taking care of turtles and meeting all the other local characters while sipping a coconut shake out of a real coconut is definitely where I want to spend 6 months. Do they have coconuts in Australia? Shoot, I hope so otherwise I am forgetting the whole thing! Did I mention that the pay is $105,000? Exactly - HELLO!

I have spent the last three years travelling internationally as a Tour Leader. But alas, there is one continent that I have not yet visited - Australia...and Australia here I come!